I stay home. My kids are now all in school. I don't have a job or a hobby or really anything to do. I am lazy by nature so what do you do? Get a job? Go to school? Get a hobby?
I am home and EVERYONE knows it. Need a child picked up? Call me. Need a prescription dropped off? Call me. Need babysitting right now? Call me. Want to complain on and on and on? Call me.
I am sick and tired of it all. One day, a Wednesday, I could take it no more so I started walking. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of a bar. Do I dare? Do I go in and get a drink in the middle of a school day? No. I kept walking.
Then, out of no where, the movies. I love the movies. My husband loves the movies and so do my kids. Should I go to the movies?
I normally don't do alone. I went out to dinner one time alone and I hated every minute of it. I went to the movies one time alone years ago and was sure everyone was pointing and laughing at me. I don't do alone or like alone but the truth of the matter is I am alone a lot and I need something to do and becoming an alcoholic isn't a good plan so, movies it is.
I chose This Means War. I figured it looked cute and harmless. Light. I really wanted light too because this was a day where I just wanted to disappear from favors and drama and phone calls and texts. Light meant I could get lost in this movie and leave my real life at the door.
I got a large popcorn and a large diet coke. I sat on the end. Very few people were there but I, at least, wasn't the only one in the movie. I turned my phone on vibrate because I didn't want to miss a call from the school and I watched the movie.
The movie itself was OK. Classic story of a nice girl torn between two equal perfect but totally different guys. The twist is they are friends who did not know the other's perfect girl was the same girl. When they find this out they use their amazing CIA skills to sabotage the others efforts.
Its cute at times, stupid at other times but overall it served its purpose. As I walked home I was so excited for the first time in a long time. I was excited for tomorrow. I was excited for what I would see at the movies. I was excited to have a secret.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
What next?
So, I make the big declaration on New Years Day, I need to change. I type a long list of things that bother me about myself and goals I have not yet met, now what? How do you begin to change everything about yourself?
I never really stick to anything for any length of time. I loved yoga. I went weekly and had wonderful results. Do I still go to yoga? Nope! I stay home and feel bad about how I don't go. Same with diets and budgets and going to church every Sunday.
I once heard to make something a habit you have to do it for 6 weeks. I also heard you have to do it for 30 days. Someone else once told me it was 12 weeks. I guess there is part of me that hopes it is true that it only takes 30 days but in my heart I think it probably takes a lot longer and a lot of working at it.
I have the time. In fact I am giving myself this year to work on making new habits. So, I actually have many more than 12 weeks. BUT I also don't want to say "I am going to start eating right, exercising, going to church, caring more about my appearance, working on my house, my budget..." It is a lot of change at once for a person who is lazy and scared.
I figure baby steps. Daily, weekly, monthly goals. Attainable goals. Feeling good about reaching these small changes will hopefully keep me going and driving me to continue instead of like every other time, quitting after a few weeks.
It isn't only about sticking to these goals but doing them consistently. I have to eat right at every meal, not just lunch. I have to pick up around my house everyday not just here and there.
My daily goal for now is to brush my teeth.
My weekly goal is to get to church.
My monthly goal is to eat out less.
They may seem simple but they are huge. I also plan on doing research on budgets and jobs. I hope to find some clarity this month on those things. I know I won't find all my answers but it is time to start putting in the work.
I never really stick to anything for any length of time. I loved yoga. I went weekly and had wonderful results. Do I still go to yoga? Nope! I stay home and feel bad about how I don't go. Same with diets and budgets and going to church every Sunday.
I once heard to make something a habit you have to do it for 6 weeks. I also heard you have to do it for 30 days. Someone else once told me it was 12 weeks. I guess there is part of me that hopes it is true that it only takes 30 days but in my heart I think it probably takes a lot longer and a lot of working at it.
I have the time. In fact I am giving myself this year to work on making new habits. So, I actually have many more than 12 weeks. BUT I also don't want to say "I am going to start eating right, exercising, going to church, caring more about my appearance, working on my house, my budget..." It is a lot of change at once for a person who is lazy and scared.
I figure baby steps. Daily, weekly, monthly goals. Attainable goals. Feeling good about reaching these small changes will hopefully keep me going and driving me to continue instead of like every other time, quitting after a few weeks.
It isn't only about sticking to these goals but doing them consistently. I have to eat right at every meal, not just lunch. I have to pick up around my house everyday not just here and there.
My daily goal for now is to brush my teeth.
My weekly goal is to get to church.
My monthly goal is to eat out less.
They may seem simple but they are huge. I also plan on doing research on budgets and jobs. I hope to find some clarity this month on those things. I know I won't find all my answers but it is time to start putting in the work.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011
I sit here only a few weeks away from my 37th birthday, only three years away from my 40th. I spent my twenties with goals, some I met, most I didn't. When the dreaded 30's came, I swore the goals not met in my twenties would FOR SURE be met in my thirties. And now I sit here only a few weeks and a few years away from my thirties being over and I feel further than ever from my goals.
I always think of the things I wish I could change in the following categories,
1. Church: In my twenties I always swore I would be someone who took my kids to church and was involved in church. As a child, honestly, I hated it. My parents would wake us up Sunday morning to go and it was always met with moans. I'm tired. It's boring. But yet as a young parent I still thought I would go. As the years went on and I got older and my kids got older, I realized I was one of those people... a Christmas church goer and that's it. In fact this year on Christmas, I didn't even go. I feel so let down with myself.
2. Job/future: My dad once told me that adults ask children what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. My dad a super smarty man who never finish college, always made sure to tell me how bright I was and how he hoped I would someday finish what he hadn't. There was no way that wasn't going to happen. I was a good student and I worked hard. Quickly into my college career I felt overwhelmed, out of touch and unsupported. It was easy to quit I KNEW I would be back and I WOULD finish. First it was I would finish be time I was thirty, then it was thirty-five, then forty. I started college 18 years ago, I never finished, I still don't know what I want to be and I am starting to wonder if one of my biggest dreams will ever be met.
3. Home: My husband and I bought a cheap fixer-upper when we were in our mid twenties. It was the deal of the century. It was small but perfect and we loved it. We have done work on it over the years but over all we are terrible homeowners. We don't ever finish a project and we put very little effort into making our house somewhere we are not embarrassed to have people over. We could live proudly in this house if we at all put any work into it.
4. Money: I love to spend money poorly. I mean I guess I shouldn't say I love to because I have spent my last 15 years feeling terrible about the way I spend money. I guess I should say I am fantastic at spending money poorly. We have nothing to show for our money except big guts and empty pop cans. Which leads me to,
5. Health: My gut. I have spent most of my life feeling bad about the way I look. I have gone on more diets then an almost 37 year old should. I have hated the way I looked and felt at every major moment of my life. I also now have girls. Girls who I am in charge of making into woman. To think I could potently raise three girls to feel and look like me is too much to take. It is finally at age that I realize it is so much more about health than a fad diet that won't last or work.
6. Hygiene: Seems a weird thing to have on the list but when it comes to being girly, I am a mess. I don't comb my hair except for when I am first out of the shower. I often forget to brush my teeth. I have no idea how to wear make-up and I live in over sized messy clothes. When I had my first little girl she was dressed perfectly everyday. People often commented on how cute she was always dressed. But just like with myself I got lazy. Now three girls later, I have failed. They too have messy hair, comfy clothes and probably rarely brush their teeth. How can I do this to myself let alone to them?
7. Exercise: You just have to find something you like. HA! I have always hated exercise. I have always loved the couch! And sleeping! And not standing up. I have tried many many things but nothing ever stuck and I never did anything long enough and consistent enough to see a difference. I have always wanted to be a runner. I want to be the kind of person who likes to be active. Yet here I sit totally out of shape. I get winded folding laundry. I don't want to go on a walk with my kids to the park. I don't really want to do anything.
So, here's the plan. Is it possible to completely and totally change who you are? Can you better yourself? Can you teach an old dog new tricks? I am hoping in this new year to try just that. I am looking to work on each of these 7 things. Since I am lazy and not at all motivated, it is going to take a lot of work and a lot of trail and error. Maybe in a year I will have found that I may be fat and out of shape with no money or future goals BUT I am happy. Or maybe in one year I will find that enough is enough and I am worthy to feel good about myself. Maybe. We shall see.
I always think of the things I wish I could change in the following categories,
1. Church: In my twenties I always swore I would be someone who took my kids to church and was involved in church. As a child, honestly, I hated it. My parents would wake us up Sunday morning to go and it was always met with moans. I'm tired. It's boring. But yet as a young parent I still thought I would go. As the years went on and I got older and my kids got older, I realized I was one of those people... a Christmas church goer and that's it. In fact this year on Christmas, I didn't even go. I feel so let down with myself.
2. Job/future: My dad once told me that adults ask children what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. My dad a super smarty man who never finish college, always made sure to tell me how bright I was and how he hoped I would someday finish what he hadn't. There was no way that wasn't going to happen. I was a good student and I worked hard. Quickly into my college career I felt overwhelmed, out of touch and unsupported. It was easy to quit I KNEW I would be back and I WOULD finish. First it was I would finish be time I was thirty, then it was thirty-five, then forty. I started college 18 years ago, I never finished, I still don't know what I want to be and I am starting to wonder if one of my biggest dreams will ever be met.
3. Home: My husband and I bought a cheap fixer-upper when we were in our mid twenties. It was the deal of the century. It was small but perfect and we loved it. We have done work on it over the years but over all we are terrible homeowners. We don't ever finish a project and we put very little effort into making our house somewhere we are not embarrassed to have people over. We could live proudly in this house if we at all put any work into it.
4. Money: I love to spend money poorly. I mean I guess I shouldn't say I love to because I have spent my last 15 years feeling terrible about the way I spend money. I guess I should say I am fantastic at spending money poorly. We have nothing to show for our money except big guts and empty pop cans. Which leads me to,
5. Health: My gut. I have spent most of my life feeling bad about the way I look. I have gone on more diets then an almost 37 year old should. I have hated the way I looked and felt at every major moment of my life. I also now have girls. Girls who I am in charge of making into woman. To think I could potently raise three girls to feel and look like me is too much to take. It is finally at age that I realize it is so much more about health than a fad diet that won't last or work.
6. Hygiene: Seems a weird thing to have on the list but when it comes to being girly, I am a mess. I don't comb my hair except for when I am first out of the shower. I often forget to brush my teeth. I have no idea how to wear make-up and I live in over sized messy clothes. When I had my first little girl she was dressed perfectly everyday. People often commented on how cute she was always dressed. But just like with myself I got lazy. Now three girls later, I have failed. They too have messy hair, comfy clothes and probably rarely brush their teeth. How can I do this to myself let alone to them?
7. Exercise: You just have to find something you like. HA! I have always hated exercise. I have always loved the couch! And sleeping! And not standing up. I have tried many many things but nothing ever stuck and I never did anything long enough and consistent enough to see a difference. I have always wanted to be a runner. I want to be the kind of person who likes to be active. Yet here I sit totally out of shape. I get winded folding laundry. I don't want to go on a walk with my kids to the park. I don't really want to do anything.
So, here's the plan. Is it possible to completely and totally change who you are? Can you better yourself? Can you teach an old dog new tricks? I am hoping in this new year to try just that. I am looking to work on each of these 7 things. Since I am lazy and not at all motivated, it is going to take a lot of work and a lot of trail and error. Maybe in a year I will have found that I may be fat and out of shape with no money or future goals BUT I am happy. Or maybe in one year I will find that enough is enough and I am worthy to feel good about myself. Maybe. We shall see.
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