2011

I sit here only a few weeks away from my 37th birthday, only three years away from my 40th. I spent my twenties with goals, some I met, most I didn't. When the dreaded 30's came, I swore the goals not met in my twenties would FOR SURE be met in my thirties. And now I sit here only a few weeks and a few years away from my thirties being over and I feel further than ever from my goals.

I always think of the things I wish I could change in the following categories,

1. Church: In my twenties I always swore I would be someone who took my kids to church and was involved in church. As a child, honestly, I hated it. My parents would wake us up Sunday morning to go and it was always met with moans. I'm tired. It's boring. But yet as a young parent I still thought I would go. As the years went on and I got older and my kids got older, I realized I was one of those people... a Christmas church goer and that's it. In fact this year on Christmas, I didn't even go. I feel so let down with myself.

2. Job/future: My dad once told me that adults ask children what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. My dad a super smarty man who never finish college, always made sure to tell me how bright I was and how he hoped I would someday finish what he hadn't. There was no way that wasn't going to happen. I was a good student and I worked hard. Quickly into my college career I felt overwhelmed, out of touch and unsupported. It was easy to quit I KNEW I would be back and I WOULD finish. First it was I would finish be time I was thirty, then it was thirty-five, then forty. I started college 18 years ago, I never finished, I still don't know what I want to be and I am starting to wonder if one of my biggest dreams will ever be met.

3. Home: My husband and I bought a cheap fixer-upper when we were in our mid twenties. It was the deal of the century. It was small but perfect and we loved it. We have done work on it over the years but over all we are terrible homeowners. We don't ever finish a project and we put very little effort into making our house somewhere we are not embarrassed to have people over. We could live proudly in this house if we at all put any work into it.

4. Money: I love to spend money poorly. I mean I guess I shouldn't say I love to because I have spent my last 15 years feeling terrible about the way I spend money. I guess I should say I am fantastic at spending money poorly. We have nothing to show for our money except big guts and empty pop cans. Which leads me to,

5. Health: My gut. I have spent most of my life feeling bad about the way I look. I have gone on more diets then an almost 37 year old should. I have hated the way I looked and felt at every major moment of my life. I also now have girls. Girls who I am in charge of making into woman. To think I could potently raise three girls to feel and look like me is too much to take. It is finally at age that I realize it is so much more about health than a fad diet that won't last or work.

6. Hygiene: Seems a weird thing to have on the list but when it comes to being girly, I am a mess. I don't comb my hair except for when I am first out of the shower. I often forget to brush my teeth. I have no idea how to wear make-up and I live in over sized messy clothes. When I had my first little girl she was dressed perfectly everyday. People often commented on how cute she was always dressed. But just like with myself I got lazy. Now three girls later, I have failed. They too have messy hair, comfy clothes and probably rarely brush their teeth. How can I do this to myself let alone to them?

7. Exercise: You just have to find something you like. HA! I have always hated exercise. I have always loved the couch! And sleeping! And not standing up. I have tried many many things but nothing ever stuck and I never did anything long enough and consistent enough to see a difference. I have always wanted to be a runner. I want to be the kind of person who likes to be active. Yet here I sit totally out of shape. I get winded folding laundry. I don't want to go on a walk with my kids to the park. I don't really want to do anything.

So, here's the plan. Is it possible to completely and totally change who you are? Can you better yourself? Can you teach an old dog new tricks? I am hoping in this new year to try just that. I am looking to work on each of these 7 things. Since I am lazy and not at all motivated, it is going to take a lot of work and a lot of trail and error. Maybe in a year I will have found that I may be fat and out of shape with no money or future goals BUT I am happy. Or maybe in one year I will find that enough is enough and I am worthy to feel good about myself. Maybe. We shall see.